Fear

Have you ever been so afraid of something that it overwhelms your mind to the point of such utter distraction…

Loss of focus….
Anxious feelings and stomach twisting….

Tears flow down like a river that no one ever knows about…
You’re alone and that is the place… that secret place that no one will ever be allowed to enter…

Its dark and its ok.
The light wants to shine in, but fear is in its place.

Rocking out to Sheryl Crow and just feeling your heart shake…. beat… fall apart.

It’s amazing to me how some songs speak out what you’ve never been able to verbalize.

Why does it happen that way? Why do the ones you love….

If it makes you happy… she sings… it can’t be that bad

Its one of those days… a real low down day.

You want to give the love… but what if he doesn’t receive it… what if it’s not good enough…
What if when he’s with you he wants her….

The Dark Side

Today I hate life.

Inside I’m battling with thoughts of fear and defeatism.
Is he right? Will I loose everything and be homeless in six months.

His negativity reverberates in my mind… just when I feel confident and strong… just when I feel like it will all be okay.
It thrashes to and fro… like the pendulum on a clock… trying to dash out of its way.

There he comes with an onslaught of his hatefulness.
His constant ‘my cups half empty’ mentality.

I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him.
I don’t like the person I am when he is around.
I hate his voice… I hate his whine… I hate his face.

He is a constant self-fulfilling prophecy.

I can’t allow him to be mine. I can’t allow him to destroy my soul any longer.
I’ve broken free… but not really.
He is there everyday with some kind of antagonistic comment.
His up and down, back and forth… he is a gigantic wave that seeks pleasure in crashing down on me smothering my soul… my heart…
my dreams.
His own inner miserableness and lack of self-confidence pours out like vomit trying to cover me in his filth.

Rise up and take a step…
There behind me… lurking… he grabs me by the ankle and pulls me down again.
The hate is deep and real.

I don’t want to feel this hate or the pain any longer.
I don’t want to be on the dark side….

I want light.